Sigh. Well, not like anyone should be surprised, but
Britney Spears' planned comeback at last night's MTV VMA show was a flop. A big flop. Britney visibly shook with nerves, glanced nervously around, teetered on heels she no longer had the confidence to dance in, and was the butt of mean-spirited "let's see how THIS train wreck goes" jokes.
Whatever her artistic value, there's no doubt that Britney - once upon a time - at least had the "razzle dazzle" performance factor. But that was gone. No wonder, as she so obviously KNEW that everyone was going to be taking mental notes on her waistline and thigh size. It was like The Prom Queen coming to the high school reunion after two failed marriages, a stint in rehab ALL her old classmates heard about through the small-town grapevine, and a fizzled career. You can't help but feel pity!
If you haven't yet seen the disastrous performance, filled with half-hearted dancing, NO surprises (where was the supposed "magic show" she was working on with
Criss Angel?), and lip synching so bad it made
Ashlee Simpson look like the World's Finest Talent... check it out below:
Now, my sympathy towards Britney is kind of split.
On one hand, I was kind of sick of everyone from
Mary J. Blige to
Timbaland to
Nelly Furtado to
Justin Timberlake saying positive, supportive "I know she can doooo it!" words of encouragement before the show. They were all talking about how she's "been through so much" throughout the past few years, and how they were excited to see her rise above it, and blah blah blah.
What EXACTLY has she been through?
People make it sound like she's had this world of trouble foisted upon her. No one seems to think that aaany of it was due to a lapse in judgment and personal agency. I mean, really. It’s not like she’s been relegated to obscurity for the past three years because she’s been battling cancer. If so, I would be championing her cause alongside them, saying “wow, she’s had to deal with a lot… I hope she reclaims her pop crown.” It’s not like her last album made some bold, provocative artistic statement for which she was blacklisted by the industry elite and made a pariah of mainstream society. If so, I would be pumping my fist and wearing a black Britney armband, yelling “Sister spoke her mind and paid the price! I hope she comes back badder than ever and shows ‘em who’s boss! Amen!”
Making not one, but a continual series of poor decisions, affecting every realm of life, does not make you a victim of circumstance. She's done a fine job screwing up her career without outside help. All the while, she has maintained the self-righteous indignation of a petulant adolescent, brazenly absolving herself of all responsibility (no sooner was she out of rehab, than she was serving her own mother with a restraining order for sending her there. ) She arrogantly and immaturely tries to blame her bad grades in life on ill luck and mean teachers - in the form of a bloggers and paparrazi - who have it in for her a nice, hard-working girl like her.
So it's no surprise that websites are already "reporting" the reason behind her poor showing. Surprise, surprise... not her fault, yet again!
Before you read the piece of "news" we received, you need to check out the following clip of Sarah Silverman making jokes at Britney's expense, directly after her performance:
Britney threatened to ditch her VMA performance just minutes before she took
the stage. Britney overheard Sarah Silverman rehearsing her monologue in
which she calls Britney’s babies mistakes and takes jab after jab.
Britney made it very clear with MTV that Sarah was NOT allowed to talk about
her kids, and MTV agreed. Sam Lufti (VMA producer) was overheard backstage
screaming at Sarah Silverman because of her outrageous remarks saying:
“Sarah Silverman is a seriously unprofessional person to make fun of infants
to get a laugh.” Perhaps this why Britney looked upset during her
performance. Britney was seen backstage in Alli’s arms crying about how
cruel people can be to her babies. While it is Silverman’s job to get a
laugh, it should not be at the expense of little babies. Britney Spears was
to perform under the magic of Chris Angel..but MTV freaked out at the last
minute finding out what Britney was actually going to do. Supposedly, what
Britney and Chris were planning was to do a set of mirrors and flotation.
But when told to the Palms they flipped. Insurance!!, and the stage couldn’t
support the performance. MTV also freaked at the last minute because of
their fear of being “too controversial” Britney and Chris were infact
furious with MTV’s sad excuse, they told Britney to change the performance
at the last minute. Britney’s original performance was to infact appear and
disappear. To float through the air… and for much mature dancing.Humph... Sorry, Brit... But this kinda sounds like crap to me. First, I doubt Britney would "overhear" Sarah Silverman rehearsing. What is this, VMA High School, and they have backstage lockers next to each other?
I also doubt the "executive" would be screaming at Sarah Silverman in the third person... and with language that sounds like it was written by a Britney Spears fan-zine!
Obviously they must have run into some problems with the magic aspect... but I doubt it was a "last minute" one. First of all, what kind of VEGAS CASINO doesn't have insurance for a MAGICIAN? Isn't that, like, what you perform in Vegas? Magic shows and kick-lines? They also would have had to have been rehearsing the magic trick in the space they planned to use... so it's not like this could have been "a surprise" to the casino or MTV. I'd like to think that if I knew Britney was working on magic tricks three weeks ago simply from my "insider sources" at PerezHilton.com, the people actually working on the show proooobably got wind of that little rumor before the "last minute."
But the performance? I highly suspect that was bad because she just wasn't in the kind of "place" she needed to be in for it. Half of her knows she's been overshadowed by other celebrities while she's been busy looking foolish for the last three years, half of her doesn't want to admit that much of that is because of her own poor decisions... and guarantee you she hasn't learned her lesson and was out doing shots with Snoop Dogg in Vegas the night before her important "comeback" performance.
All this being said, part of me STILL can't help but feel bad for her. Here's why:
Has there ever been any doubt that Britney Spears was going to end up as the Marilyn Monroe of her generation, the glamorous vamp who publically embraces and privately detests her bombshell status? Brunette Norma Jean, intoxicated by the lure of the "starlet," found herself cast as blonde Marilyn, and subsequently trapped and defined by a role that was show, not soul. We all know where that took her, and barring intervention, I predict a similarly unfortunate downward spiral for the confused Ms. Spears.
Those who detest her, and the "artifice over art" culture she represents, wish to save the souls of impressionable teenage girls and an increasingly less discriminating society... yet refuse to acknowledge that, at the launch of her career, Britney Spears was one of those very same impressionable teenage girls. Whenever Britney, at the height of her fame, made doe-eyes and pouted her lips, if she succeeded perfectly in mimicking those sex-kitten vogues of hollow runway models, it is only because she, too, learned them from music videos and fashion mag covers. She may have influenced the hyper-sexualized content of teen entertainment that followed in her wake, but she did not create it: the neckties in charge of Britney, Inc. did that. She was a just simple, grade-school talent show ingenue from Smalltown, Lousiana. She was button-nosed and perky and got on TV, and glowed with the realization of the pre-pubescent stardom fantasy that anyone who’s ever sang in to a hair brush in front of a mirror can understand. And soon she became the puppet, being dressed (or undressed) and groomed and coached and marketed and sold and controlled.
Then, like so many teen stars, she made poor decisions... and no one was willing to tell her otherwise because their paychecks were at stake. Like a domino effect, one stupid decision led to another... which hurt her career... which led to another mistake... which hurt her career... and so on and so on. Think about it: she gains weight, and everyone laughs. So then she feels horrible, because from the minute she was 13 she was being told all she was was a "hot body." Then she shaves her head to rebel against it... then everyone laughs some more. People have taken such pleasure in watching her suffer. It's almost sadistic. Like the tabloids have turned into a SAW movie where we pay to see people get (their feelings) hurt.
I still feel bad for Brit-brit, cause a) Sarah Silverman is a horrendous bitch, b) she knew everyone's eyes were on her, expecting a train wreck, and c) all the stories out there are referring to her in various shades of "fat and tubby," which is pretty much putting the exhaust pipe in her mouth, at this point.
I probably shouldn't think so much about the problems Britney Spears is facing in life, but whenever I see her now I get this horrible pang of sadness. I imagine it's what I would feel like if I was driving down Santa Monica Boulevard, looked out the window, and saw my formerly sweet, adorable, precocious 13-year old niece on the streetcorner, looking all used up and turning tricks for crack. You just wanna pat her on the head, slap her and call her an idiot, and give her a big hug.
Less ranty update tomorrow, I promise.
JOHNNY
